Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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