Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
