No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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