Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
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Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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