I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
