just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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