What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
