I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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