It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
