1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
