someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
