Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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