Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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