wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
