She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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