I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
