Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
