____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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