I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
