why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
