to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
