her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
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I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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