they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
