WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
