I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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