she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
