The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
