yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize