doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
