You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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