I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
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My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
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It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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