if i can run in heels then i can drive
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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