John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
