I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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