Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
