I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My ass is underappreciated
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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