My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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