Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
