No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
