Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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