her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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