respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
this will be a night to untag.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
