so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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