i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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