I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
