dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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