when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
