You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
