i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
