Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
