I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
