My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
